“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
pat pat
This guy’s not having it 😆
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg