“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
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why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.