“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

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Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.


[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?


If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.


I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.


my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical


Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.


If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.


Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.


Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats


Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.