DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Great Canadian literature.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard