“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
some Old Testament wisdom
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️