Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.


Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”


Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call


“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”


what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?


How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?


ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…


[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’


When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.


[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana


M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!