Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers