Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Any refunds available?…
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.