Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
love it when they get my name right
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Bit chilly again tonight.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.