“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
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I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
me working on my assignments ^-^
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,