“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.