“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
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“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me