“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.