“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick