“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?