@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

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@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

@ChefRonSullivan

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

@OllyiConic

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

@eminmien

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

@TheHyyyype

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

@mrjohndarby

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

@TheDeducers

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?