Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
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Movie tickets for 4: $56
Hot dogs: $20
Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?