“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.


Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126


After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.


An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.


“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”


“I’ve got plenty of time.”


“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?


[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no


Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?


Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here


[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?