“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
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Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
OKAY DAD
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
What personal space?
My dog
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???