@Reverend_Scott

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

You Might Also Like

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

@stuckinaportal

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

@beefman138

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

@glum_and_fun

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

@cathisamazing

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

@alymoemaly

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

@PJTLynch

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

@Megatronic13

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

@texasstalkermom

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.