“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
The old gods are rising again.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.