“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Not my job 😂
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine