“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain