Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.