DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
You Might Also Like
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Welcome to the stomach
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?