@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.