“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
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Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted