“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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some cats are just doing for fun!
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.