Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant