dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too