@cxrtezs

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

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@mommajessiec

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

@iamkits

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@bridger_w

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

@daemonic3

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

@BigFatNothing

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@weinerdog4life

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.