Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…