Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’M CRYINGGG
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.