Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island