Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
twitter users today:
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.