Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
the #horror is real!
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal