dads on road-trips be like
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Love this one 😂🧟
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”