Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
motivation
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.