Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*