dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
What’s so funny?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.