@lincnotfound

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

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@Spaziotwat

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@KimmyMonte

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

@2tickytacky

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@choniepony

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@TheBoydP

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

@Darlainky

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

@24HourBitching

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.