@lincnotfound
@Spaziotwat Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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@Spaziotwat 
@illTortuga I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
@KimmyMonte [sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
@2tickytacky If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
@meatlobes *im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
@choniepony Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
@dafloydsta DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
@TheBoydP Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
@Darlainky It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
@24HourBitching Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.