Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive