Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Butt weight. There’s more!
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.