“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.