“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.