Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
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Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
my proudest tweet
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows