Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
nobody’s gonna understand
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
No, I don’t think I will.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!