* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.