#dalle2
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
real
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.