dam girl
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My therapist after every session
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?