Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Every photo I’m tagged in
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women