“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.