Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?