Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Dammit Chief not again
dogs can find happiness so easily
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally