Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer