Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.