Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
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The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos