Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner